Posts Tagged ‘safety’

The night before my first day of work, I was rather upset and terribly worried about what was to come and the prospect of being a nurse for-EVER. Sitting on my bed, crying, what can only be described as a river of tears; my wise mother told me a story which I would like to share with you today.

(I cannot promise that I will tell it as well as she did on this particular night, but  I will endeavour to do it the justice that it deserves.)

There once was a beach, a rather vast expanse of a beach. One day there was a terrible accident and the starfish of the sea were mercilessly washed up on to the yellow sand that covered the area. Hundred of little pink starfish were stranded on the beach with no way of being saved. A young boy, who was walking along the sand that day, spotted the victims from afar. He looked at them, and without a split second of a thought, he began to pick them up one by one. Running to the water side, he threw them gently into the sea, giving each one back their life. The little boy’s father came to join him, and as he looked at the task his son had begun, he stopped the boy in his tracks. ‘Son’ he said, ‘what are you doing?’ The boy looked at his father and said ‘I’m putting the starfish back.’ ‘But Son, look how many there are, you will never be able to put them all back, you will never be able to make a big difference, there are just too many to save. Why are you bothering? You could work all day, but it won’t make a difference.’ As he held a soft pink fish up to his father’s eye-line, the boy replied ‘It makes a difference to him.’

The wisdom that my mother brought to me that night was this: though it seems like you are not even close to making a difference to anyone’s life on the big scale, you’re making a difference to that one single ‘starfish’.

In the last three weeks I have persisted in an overwhelming struggle to adapt to the pressures that the modern health service has for me. Since beginning my new job I have faced a variety of challenges both emotionally and physically. If I’m honest, I have questioned at many points whether Nursing really is the job for me. My passion is person-centred, holistic care. It feels as if this is something that is un-obtainable and un-achievable within the hospital setting, and with more relevance, within the ward that I work on. Many people have declared that it is possible to give person-centred, holistic care if you ‘just make the time’, but I question whether these people have truly worked within the pressure of emergency care. It is almost impossible to even talk to a patient for longer than to ask a question, already it has become a never-ending battle with being pushed from one task to another, the persistent drive for discharges is overwhelming. I am constantly frustrated with the lack of opportunity to give my full attention to the patients and to look after not only the physical needs of those I care for, but their emotional and spiritual well being, too. This irritation makes me question my career choice even more. However, I have clung on to the wisdom of my mother, striving to visualise the lonely starfish of my ward and although I may come home at night thinking that it’s too big a task to make any real difference, I live in hope that I may have saved just one person’s physical, emotional or spiritual life.

Last Sunday I had decided that I would not be going to Church. My plan was to sleep until I woke up and then relax in front of the TV for the rest of the day. God had other plans. I woke at 10:30 with time enough to get ready for church. I arrived after deciding that I would just stay for worship… In the worship time I really felt God remind me that struggles and suffering is sometimes a good thing but that he is standing right beside me through it. This was such a relief.

‘…we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance…’ (Romans 5:3)

 I stayed to hear the preach and was blessed so well by Hugh Pearce speaking about ‘rest’. It was a perfect reminder that the ‘rest’ that the world offers does not revive and refresh, but Jesus alone brings true ‘rest’. This was a much needed message to hear. (There was a lot more to it than that… If you have some time I’d very much recommend it. You can find it HERE.) Man, does God speak when you least expect it. I’m very blessed to have a wonderful counsellor in my life who cares about MY holistic care and I just hope and pray that I can take Him with me to the starfish of Kent.


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This is how I would look, if I were in fact... A sheep.

I recently qualified as a Nurse… And I guess the only natural progression is to then get a job and start to work! Well yes, I am a sheep. I have stepped into the conventional progression of life as outlined by society. As I blogged a while ago, I had an interview and was successful. I have been offered a full time position on the ward that I have wanted! (Or let’s be honest, the ward that I had said ‘If I have to do it, then I want to do it there!’) The annoying thing is… However much I’ve wanted to quit nursing because I’m tired, and worn down (and the politics on the ward are taxing…), God seems to have had different plans for me than I had for myself. All along the way of interviewing and getting a job, I’ve been a bit naughty and tried to outwit the Lord of the Universe. ‘If I don’t get a job through this interview, well then I’ll just take some time out.’ ‘If I don’t pass this exam, then I’ll book a ticket to America and not come back for a year’. Yes… it hasn’t worked. I’m pretty sure God has sat on his throne and laughed at my stupidity throughout this time.

And so, with a job looming, for the past few weeks I have been battling with a gradual progression into the depth of a nervous breakdown. The thought of stepping into the big bad world has engrossed me in absolute fear. Not just the usual big bad world of work, but the big bad NHS! The idea of becoming a real life Nurse with real life responsibility and life and death situations and decisions, in my very incapable hands, is just entirely ridiculous. My fear was/is such that I had even put off phoning the ward to confirm my start date. However, I faced my fear; I picked up the phone and then made a trip to the hospital where I proceeded to retrieve my new uniform. This added to my absolute petrifaction and pushed me ever so slightly closer to that nervous breakdown that I’ve been stepping towards… As I pulled the light blue striped and pleated dress over my head and wiggled the zip up, I turned and looked in the mirror. At that moment, I knew that there was no going back (also in that moment, I thought I was going to hyperventilate… But that’s a less poetic part of the story!). It’s interesting that fear can become so overwhelming… sometimes even to the point of losing sleep, loss of appetite and a crazy fluttery tummy!

Apart from allowing you to clearly laugh at my idiocy, I wanted to share with you something that God has taught me in the last few weeks…

  • Even though life is sometimes hard and scary… you’re safe in God’s hands.

Yes. That’s right. It sounds corny and ever so slightly clichéd, but I’m not taking it back because it’s TRUE.

There are a lot of examples in the bible where people have struggled in situations and are scared but God comes through for them in the nick of time! (Kind of like Superman… But real!) Well, we’re told that the God of the bible is the God of now… So that to me, suggests that he comes through for us here in the 21st century, too!

This Monday just passed, I had a meeting at my new ward to sort out some paperwork… The night before, I prayed myself to sleep, asking God to give me peace about it. I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time! This was such a blessing to me and a clear example of God’s grace! It’s funny what a simple thing like ‘the feeling of peace’ can do!

Throughout the week, I have been reminded time and time again of the safety of being in God’s arms, the beauty of taking refuge in Him and the absolute gift that it is to rest in the Father’s presence. I indulged in some Psalms this week, and my heart was engrossed by psalm 57. It says this:

 1 Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
   for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
   till the storms of destruction pass by.
2I cry out to God Most High,
   to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
3 He will send from heaven and save me;
   he will put to shamehim who tramples on me. 

 God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!

 4My soul is in the midst of lions;
   I lie down amid fiery beasts—
the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows,
   whose tongues are sharp swords.

 5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
   Let your glory be over all the earth!

 6They set a net for my steps;
   my soul was bowed down.
They dug a pit in my way,
   but they have fallen into it themselves. 

7 My heart issteadfast, O God,
   my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!
 8 Awake, my glory!
Awake, O harp and lyre!
   I will awake the dawn!
9I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
   I will sing praises to you among the nations.
10For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
   your faithfulness to the clouds.

 11 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
   Let your glory be over all the earth!

It would take an age to truly unpack the brilliance of this Psalm, but simply, this brings to me a realisation of the importance of taking refuge in God, resting in ‘the shadow of His wings’, but more than that: praising him in the storms of life, exulting him high above the heavens and the earth, proclaiming his worth and his greatness in every season of life.

When praying about this very thing, yesterday, the song ‘strength will rise as you wait upon the Lord’ started playing. At that exact moment, that was just what I needed to hear and remember. I am constantly surprised by God and his steadfast, faithful love. How good it is to know that we’re not worshiping an inanimate object, but a living God who listens, and responds. I am so thankful that I have Him, who clearly knows what He’s doing, on my side.

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